I've had a lot to regret in my life and even some things I probably should have regretted but could never actually bring myself to. Like Wayne, he deserved everything that happened to him with the way he treated my mom. I regret that she could never really forgive me for it but I didn't regret what I did to him for even one second. Some people might say that's why I deserve to be in jail, and maybe I do at this point for all of the things I've done but that man deserved to die. I just feel lucky that I'm the one who got to kill him.

Tom is probably the person I regret hurting the most. Not only because we were friends for as long as I had known him but because he was just genuinely a good person. And I know that he loved me, you could see it in his eyes. It didn't matter that he had a wife after I left town, he always loved me best and even when I came back I could still tell. It was tempting to just stay with him, to let him help me but I knew that even staying for as long as I did was a big risk. I proved myself right when the police came after me.

He wouldn't just let me go. I'd had years of practice when it came to running from the cops. It was just the nature of the beast after what happened with Wayne. After my mother betrayed me by telling them that I had done it, even though I had done it to protect her. That probably should have been the first clue that I shouldn't have come back to see her. I couldn't help it though, she was dying and I wanted to say goodbye no matter what had happened between the two of us.

Like I said, he wouldn't just let me go and they were chasing me and they caught one of us, it just wasn't me. He died, because of me and I'll never be able to let go of it.

I'm guessing this question is meant to be theoretical. I really wish that it was, but I guess fate has a sense of irony. Sometimes I think about it, sure. I think about what I could have brought to the island with me. The first month so many things came to mind, all of the things that I missed. Like chocolate and red wine and french fries and music. I really miss music. I would lie awake at night for hours in my make shift tent trying to recall songs that I used to love when I was a teenager. Maybe I wished I could have had an iPod with me, I don't know. I never even had an iPod when I wasn't deserted on an island, and at least for awhile I could find chocolate in the hatch.

If I had to pick one person I could have here with me it would be someone who isn't even alive anymore. Someone else might point out that if I wanted to keep Tom with me so badly I would have never run off on him in the first place. Maybe that's true, but I like to think that I was protecting him. In the end I couldn't protect him at all, in fact I was the one who put him directly in harm's way in the first place. But I wanted to protect him, and that's why I never took him with me. Also, I wanted to protect myself. I was always much better than that.

So, if I were stranded on a deserted island I think I would want to take Jack with me. That probably doesn't count because I didn't know him before I landed on the island but it doesn't make it any less true. Not only is he a good doctor but he's the glue that's held all of us together since day one. Jack may not have ever wanted to be a leader but he ended up being one anyways. People need someone to follow, someone to make the important decisions and Jack has always been able to do that. Not because he wants the power, but because he genuinely cares about people.

Everyone should be lucky enough to have Jack on their deserted island, but I'm glad he landed on mine.

I've always been alone because I've never really been me. When I was a kid I was too busy witnessing Wayne beat the hell out of my mother to really be me. And after I took care of that, I was too busy trying not to get caught to let anyone really know me. God knows, I tried to be a thousand different things to a thousand different people. Tom was probably the only person who ever really knew me and it didn't get him anywhere except for six feet underground. After that, I just kept moving around and changing my name and my hair. I was the happy housewife, the criminal, the farmhand. Nothing I ever tried on really fit though, because none of them were ever me.

When your plane goes down and you're all trapped on a deserted island, fighting for your lives, things like past records and warrants don't mean anything to anybody. I don't have to worry about another Federal Marshall tracking me down on the island and because of that I can just be me. Sometimes I still have trouble letting anything out into the open but I've had almost a lifetime of practice when it comes to hiding things and running away.

As much as I can't wait to claw my way off of this island, I know that here I was never really alone because everyone knows Kate instead of Lucy or Maggie or Monica.

Rescue is something that I've learned to simultaneously fear and anticipate. I guess it's a little ironic, being trapped on this island with no rescue in sight. I've spent most of my life running from one place to the next, hiding from the law or my past and here I am, the greatest Catch 22 of all time. I'm so hidden I'm practically invisible, and even though the past follows me no matter where I go, the law can't catch up to me on the island. There's no better hiding place than the one I've found, but I can't run anywhere either. I'm literally trapped with nowhere to go, and even being stuck on a gigantic island seems impossibly suffocating when there's nothing but ocean surrounding you.

I used to dream about rescue, plot out ways to avoid the cops should a helicopter ever come for us. It's not like I could ever really let anyone know what happened to me here, just like I can't ever let anyone know what's happened to me back in the real world. The dream of rescue faded away as reality set in, when days and days passed and still no one came for us. I gave up on rescue a long time ago, and had almost all but accepted this place as my new home for however long I could manage to survive here.

And then Naomi showed up, and she changed everything. The possibility of rescue turned from a distant dream into a clear reality within minutes when I heard Jack talking to the people back on Naomi's boat.

This island isn't my home. When I really think about it, the only place I ever thought of as home I left burning to the ground as I drove away. If I had a book of matches and the freedom to burn anything down, I would choose the island. I've seen a lot of things in my life but the things I've seen here will stay with me for a lifetime.

//locked from other LOST muses//

"Sleep with a dog and rise full of fleas." - Sarah Kane

Nobody at the beach trusts Jack anymore. It's not like I don't understand why that might happen. After all, he toted Juliet back with absolutely no reservations about how that might effect the rest of the people back at our camp. I tried to be understanding about it after my trip through the jungle with her, I've tried to see things from his point of view but it's nearly impossible to. Still, at the end of the day Jack is still the one with all of the answers and that was why I couldn't keep Sayid and Charlie's secret about Naomi.

What I didn't expect was to be stabbed in the back for my own betrayal. Some people might call that karma, but I was only trying to do the right thing by Jack. After all, I knew that I had hurt him when he'd seen Sawyer and I together in that cage. At the time I didn't think...I don't know what I thought. It wasn't until Juliet told me that I broke his heart that I ever had any idea, but in hindsight I knew all along.

When all is said and done I can't be sorry for sleeping with James. I have feelings for him, and no matter how hard I try I can't deny them. He's a good man underneath all of that bravado, and maybe it's conceited of me to think as much but I think I'm the reason Juliet's here. If Jack was as upset about it as she seemed to think that he was than I was the one who drove him straight towards her. I don't know if he's keeping her around to spite me or just to have someone there for him, because God knows Jack deserves someone. Someone good. I'm just not convinced that she's good. Maybe it comes from the part of me that watched her taunt Sawyer from outside his cage, maybe I just recognize something in her that I've been trying to ignore.

The truth is? She wanted to tell me whatever it is that Jack's keeping secret, but he wouldn't let her. So I'm not even sure how much blame I can place on her shoulders.

//locked from the other LOST muses//

Juliet told me that the reason Jack didn't want me to come back wasn't because he didn't want me to get hurt, but because I broke his heart. He saw me in that cage with Sawyer through the video feed and that was why he was staying with the Others and I was running through the jungle handcuffed to the woman who had no so long ago stood on the other side of the bars from me. I wanted to think that it wasn't true but the Others had played so many games with I couldn't do anything but believe her.

I don't condemn Juliet for being a liar, but that doesn't mean that I have to like her or trust her. As it turned out she had the key to our handcuffs on her the entire time and hadn't thought to tell me. She said it was to guarantee that she wouldn't be left behind but I still don't buy that. Even if she hadn't pulled that little stunt I could see the look in Jack's eyes when he told Sayid that she was coming with us no matter what. She didn't need to convince me to be on her side, she already had Jack in her corner.

I couldn't help it, when I woke him up on the floor of that house. He didn't need me to come back for him, and then I went and destroyed his chance at getting back home. I never meant to hurt Jack, and guilt will do a lot of things to you. The only thing I heard after my apology was her name. Did they leave Juliet behind too? No, we just ended up handcuffed to each other in the jungle where she told me the thing that you're wanting to say but won't let yourself.

I'm not sure if I'm grateful for Juliet's one small nugget of truth. I can't tell if I would have rather never known or if it's better that I do know. I had the distinct feeling as I stood there with Sayid for a minute and watch Jack and Juliet get a headstart into the jungle that if she came back to camp with us there were going to be a lot more revelations to come.

That very first day, I can still remember one of the first things Jack said to me. He told me this story about his first surgery. A teenage girl that he was operating on when he accidentally tore something open and her life was in serious danger. And he was afraid, so he let that fear in for five seconds. He let it take him over completely while he counted to five and after the end of five seconds he pushed the fear back out, sewed her up and she lives to tell the tale.

That story has played itself back over on repeat a lot in my mind since we arrived on this island. I thought over the years since burning Wayne to the ground I thought I had seen most everything that the world had to offer until Oceanic flight 815 crashed onto a deserted island. I don't know if it's magic or if maybe we're all dead and this is some kind of purgatory. I don't have explanations for the things I've seen in the last seventy days, I just know it's been hard and it's been scary. I've seen people die in ways that I can't explain, I've seen things that I'll never be able to make sense of. And every time I'm afraid I repeat Jack's story in my mind, and then I count to five and let that fear in, I let it control me for five seconds. When the five seconds are up I push the fear away and do what needs to be done.

No matter what happens to me here, or after we get rescued (if we ever get rescued), I'll never forget that very first day and that story Jack told me.

//locked from Jack and Sawyer//

( Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed, this world you must've crossed... )

( Catch me, I am falling and your innocence is all i have... )

( Help, I have done it again. Lost myself again today... )